Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I watched this one purely out of morbid curiosity.  As a Star Wars fan it seemed that I should see this latest entry into the franchise, if only to know how bad it really is.  I had low expectations, but I was wrong.  They should have been lower.

The (strangely) animated film is nearly devoid of any original actors, featuring only the brief voice work of Anthony Daniels, Christopher Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson who apparently had nothing better to do for a day.  The rest of the cast was made up of people I had never heard of - which wasn't entirely a bad thing since that meant that I didn't have to listen to Hayden Christensen whine throughout the whole thing, and whoever was imitating Ewan McGregor's Obi Wan did a dang fine job.

The whole plot involves strangely wise and heroic - not to mention gravity defying - Anakin Skywalker and his spunky little padawan Ahsoka on a mission to rescue Jabba the Hutt's baby son which, surprise surprise, was a trap set by Dooku (Lee).  Ahsoka and "Sky Guy," as she calls him, bond, learn a lesson, and save the day.  On a side note, we're introduced to Jabba's gay uncle, Ziro.  Yes.

I realize that the whole point of this movie was to introduce a new, much younger, generation to the world of Star Wars and that this and the subsequent television series are probably the first exposure to Star Wars most kids these days have.  That is no excuse, however, for George Lucas to create this steaming pile that falls well below the intelligence of most children's shows today - and that is saying something.  The music too, failed to be anything close to "Star Warsy" except for the opening title and end credits - and even then it was like an upbeat pop version of John Williams.

Kids will probably like it, what with heroic lightsaber battles that never really seem to have a point since you know none of the main characters will die before Revenge of the Sith and the predictable one liners like "Great.  Rolling death balls," or "The medicine, it's working. His fever broke. I think he's going to live to stink another day."  The language is updated for the audience too with phrases like "The shield is putting a crimp in my day."  Because Obi Wan would say something like that.  Kids would probably like driving on a sidewalk too - doesn't mean it's a good thing.

I could go on, but when an hour and thirty minutes of the 1:38 movie are worthy of being brought to the chopping block - well, I don't want to spend any more time on this movie than I already have.

* (1/5 stars)